My thoughts on mothers day

Eleven years ago on Mothers Day was my due date with my son, Thor. As with all my kids he was born late on May 18th, 2002. During my pregnancy with him was when the vertigo started. On a Sunday afternoon in mid March we were at my parents house to celebrate my dad's birthday. I can remember vividly the moment it started. Where I was sitting, who I was talking to. It seemed like time moved so slowly. I got up and went to my parents room to lay down but the movement made me nauseous. And so I started throwing up, couldn't move on my own. Had to have someone lead my head to the toilet to throw up. I couldn't stop for like an hour. At this point, I was scared for the pregnancy and insisted on being taken to the hospital. 
Once we found out that Thor was fine the doctor concluded I probably had an inner ear infection. He said they were going around (like that happens, because it doesn't). So we waited for it to go away. I felt better the next day but for a couple of days I would feel pressure build up in my ear and then I would have a dizzy spell and then the pressure would release. And then it would start all over again.
If you've ever had vertigo, I don't need to describe it for you. But if you haven't give a shout because it's awful. It's like getting off the Merry go round except it never dissipates. Sometimes it's like an old tv that isn't getting good reception where it kind of moves up and out of the screen and keeps doing it over and over.  I've had that too. It's super not fun. It makes you barf and when you lay down you think you are continually falling. There's no way you can even focus until you get to just the rolling dizziness. The worst part for me is that I panic. I hyperventilate. I freak out. I've had it last hours.  One time to calm me down Trav put a grocery bag over my head (I was too out of it to breath into it myself) and laid on the floor next to me singing primary songs. 
And each time I got vertigo, my hearing went a little. Now I am profoundly deaf in my right ear. 
So, the reason I was thinking of that day 11 years ago was that I was so scared that on the day my little son was born I would be so sick with vertigo. The most joyous day for a momma I feared would be destroyed. I could feel the pressure in my ear building during the week. I knew I would have to be dizzy before I could be better. I went into the doctor the next Friday overdue. We did a stress test and an ultrasound and discovered we were running out of amniotic fluid. He needed to be born asap. 
So I stayed in the hospital by myself while Travis took care of Normandy. My labor started abruptly (I was being induced) and I worried that I would have my baby on my own. My labor with Normandy was about an hour. I couldn't sleep at all that night in the hospital by myself because I was so scared of being dizzy and sick. How awful would it be to have to do labor with vertigo? As if it could get any worse? Cash had hiccups while I was delivering him, so I know it can. 
But I made it. He was born and hour and a half after contractions started. Trav made it to the hospital for his birth. But then he went home to take care of Normandy.
I remember being in the hospital with him by myself. I didn't want to carry him around because I knew the vertigo was imminent and I didn't want to drop him. And sure enough, in the middle of the night it hit. I was nursing him in bed when I felt it come on. I called the nurse and told her my head was spinning and she said that that wasn't something I should have after a baby and left. I just laid there until it passed, bawling and holding my baby. 
Here is where the tender mercies come in. I didn't have another vertigo spell until September. I didn't want to be sick when I had a new baby. I have always been grateful for those 3 and a half months of being able to concentrate on my newborn and my 2 year old. I always wanted to be a mother and I'm always so grateful to be able to do it. I've had times when I was physically unable to mother my children. What could be more awful? I always want to be able to take care of them and be there for them. I always want them to know I am here for them.
My current doctor thinks that I have otosclerosis, which is hardening of the bone in the inner ear. Women do get it from the hormones of pregnancy. Why we didn't figure this out until too late I don't know. I knew after Thor that when I had a baby I would get very sick and I did. But it passed and it was so worth it. And I never had morning sickness and vertigo together. I got vertigo about 2 months after my baby was born and then I'd get it again when I weaned them at a year. It lasted for 2-3 months. I was sick to my stomach the whole time but not flat on my back.  Just once for a couple of hours every few days. And I haven't had any dizziness sick January of 2012. Yep. My balance center is completely burned up and it's great. I wish it hadn't taken 12 years to do it. My brain has compensated and I have overcome.
On this past Mothers Day, I was struck by how fast time flies. I wish I could have told myself on that Mothers Day eleven years ago about my life now. About how I would make it through. About how being deaf in one ear has some advantages. About how life goes on. About how we are not left alone, I know I've been carried. About how much comfort we can receive if we are open to it. About the great times and laughs. About the love we give and receive. About endurance and perseverance  About never giving up even when you can't see a reason not to, but just because.
I don't love Mothers Day. It seems a little disingenuous to me. But I love being a Mother. 
Here is the essay that Thor wrote for me for Mothers Day. I love it because he gets me. 

Why My Mother is the Best

by Thor Labrum

Would you mom help you with about anything? I certainly know mine would. Some moms give you anything you want. I think that would be boring. She helps me. My mom has me work for things.  She is always ready. My mom is the best mom.

Because I don't know as much as her, she helps me. When making cookies she does the measurements. When I don't know how to do a chore she tells me what to do. She helps me find stuff. She will always help me. 

Due to the fact she knows I'm somewhat deficient  she makes me work for things. It makes me feel self-efficient. It makes me feel comfortable getting what I wanted. I feel great because of it. Working for things helps me.

For that fact, she is always ready. She has a schedule for the family, which she memorizes. I am always busy and she helps me remember. When I'm hungry she know what I can have. She is absolutely ready.

My mom will help me with almost anything. She helps me. She makes me work for thinks. She is always ready. If you think your mom's great, mine is better. My mom is the best in the world.

I sure do love that boy! Thanks for hanging in there with me.