My thoughts on mothers day

Eleven years ago on Mothers Day was my due date with my son, Thor. As with all my kids he was born late on May 18th, 2002. During my pregnancy with him was when the vertigo started. On a Sunday afternoon in mid March we were at my parents house to celebrate my dad's birthday. I can remember vividly the moment it started. Where I was sitting, who I was talking to. It seemed like time moved so slowly. I got up and went to my parents room to lay down but the movement made me nauseous. And so I started throwing up, couldn't move on my own. Had to have someone lead my head to the toilet to throw up. I couldn't stop for like an hour. At this point, I was scared for the pregnancy and insisted on being taken to the hospital. 
Once we found out that Thor was fine the doctor concluded I probably had an inner ear infection. He said they were going around (like that happens, because it doesn't). So we waited for it to go away. I felt better the next day but for a couple of days I would feel pressure build up in my ear and then I would have a dizzy spell and then the pressure would release. And then it would start all over again.
If you've ever had vertigo, I don't need to describe it for you. But if you haven't give a shout because it's awful. It's like getting off the Merry go round except it never dissipates. Sometimes it's like an old tv that isn't getting good reception where it kind of moves up and out of the screen and keeps doing it over and over.  I've had that too. It's super not fun. It makes you barf and when you lay down you think you are continually falling. There's no way you can even focus until you get to just the rolling dizziness. The worst part for me is that I panic. I hyperventilate. I freak out. I've had it last hours.  One time to calm me down Trav put a grocery bag over my head (I was too out of it to breath into it myself) and laid on the floor next to me singing primary songs. 
And each time I got vertigo, my hearing went a little. Now I am profoundly deaf in my right ear. 
So, the reason I was thinking of that day 11 years ago was that I was so scared that on the day my little son was born I would be so sick with vertigo. The most joyous day for a momma I feared would be destroyed. I could feel the pressure in my ear building during the week. I knew I would have to be dizzy before I could be better. I went into the doctor the next Friday overdue. We did a stress test and an ultrasound and discovered we were running out of amniotic fluid. He needed to be born asap. 
So I stayed in the hospital by myself while Travis took care of Normandy. My labor started abruptly (I was being induced) and I worried that I would have my baby on my own. My labor with Normandy was about an hour. I couldn't sleep at all that night in the hospital by myself because I was so scared of being dizzy and sick. How awful would it be to have to do labor with vertigo? As if it could get any worse? Cash had hiccups while I was delivering him, so I know it can. 
But I made it. He was born and hour and a half after contractions started. Trav made it to the hospital for his birth. But then he went home to take care of Normandy.
I remember being in the hospital with him by myself. I didn't want to carry him around because I knew the vertigo was imminent and I didn't want to drop him. And sure enough, in the middle of the night it hit. I was nursing him in bed when I felt it come on. I called the nurse and told her my head was spinning and she said that that wasn't something I should have after a baby and left. I just laid there until it passed, bawling and holding my baby. 
Here is where the tender mercies come in. I didn't have another vertigo spell until September. I didn't want to be sick when I had a new baby. I have always been grateful for those 3 and a half months of being able to concentrate on my newborn and my 2 year old. I always wanted to be a mother and I'm always so grateful to be able to do it. I've had times when I was physically unable to mother my children. What could be more awful? I always want to be able to take care of them and be there for them. I always want them to know I am here for them.
My current doctor thinks that I have otosclerosis, which is hardening of the bone in the inner ear. Women do get it from the hormones of pregnancy. Why we didn't figure this out until too late I don't know. I knew after Thor that when I had a baby I would get very sick and I did. But it passed and it was so worth it. And I never had morning sickness and vertigo together. I got vertigo about 2 months after my baby was born and then I'd get it again when I weaned them at a year. It lasted for 2-3 months. I was sick to my stomach the whole time but not flat on my back.  Just once for a couple of hours every few days. And I haven't had any dizziness sick January of 2012. Yep. My balance center is completely burned up and it's great. I wish it hadn't taken 12 years to do it. My brain has compensated and I have overcome.
On this past Mothers Day, I was struck by how fast time flies. I wish I could have told myself on that Mothers Day eleven years ago about my life now. About how I would make it through. About how being deaf in one ear has some advantages. About how life goes on. About how we are not left alone, I know I've been carried. About how much comfort we can receive if we are open to it. About the great times and laughs. About the love we give and receive. About endurance and perseverance  About never giving up even when you can't see a reason not to, but just because.
I don't love Mothers Day. It seems a little disingenuous to me. But I love being a Mother. 
Here is the essay that Thor wrote for me for Mothers Day. I love it because he gets me. 

Why My Mother is the Best

by Thor Labrum

Would you mom help you with about anything? I certainly know mine would. Some moms give you anything you want. I think that would be boring. She helps me. My mom has me work for things.  She is always ready. My mom is the best mom.

Because I don't know as much as her, she helps me. When making cookies she does the measurements. When I don't know how to do a chore she tells me what to do. She helps me find stuff. She will always help me. 

Due to the fact she knows I'm somewhat deficient  she makes me work for things. It makes me feel self-efficient. It makes me feel comfortable getting what I wanted. I feel great because of it. Working for things helps me.

For that fact, she is always ready. She has a schedule for the family, which she memorizes. I am always busy and she helps me remember. When I'm hungry she know what I can have. She is absolutely ready.

My mom will help me with almost anything. She helps me. She makes me work for thinks. She is always ready. If you think your mom's great, mine is better. My mom is the best in the world.

I sure do love that boy! Thanks for hanging in there with me. 

Steel and his hiding ways

My son Steel is just a joy. He's so sweet and kind and so much fun. I love having him around. I just enjoy being with him so much.
Friday morning, I wondered if I would every get to see him again.
I was playing basketball at a church building. I have done this off and one for years. Steel has come with numerous times before and he knows the drill. He can't leave the gym unless he tells me. I am paranoid of losing sight of my kids. I had been playing for a while when Steel needed to go to the restroom. So we went and he had to wash his hands three times because he could do it by himself and I was trying to help him. And then he had to get the paper towels by himself, one for him and one for me.
I took him back in the gym and then got down to playing ball again. When there was a break, I went to the stage to check in on him. Lo and behold he wasn't there. So I figured he must have gone out and gotten a drink even though he knows he's not supposed to. Nope. Then one of the other moms noticed that I was looking, she asked if I lost a kid and then started looking too. I was okay. I figured he was somewhere in the halls or one of the classrooms. Maybe he went looking for the nursery. At one of the other churches I've played at the nursery was across the hall from the gym and the kids would play with toys there. But Steel in not adventurous. He really likes to be by me. He follows me from one room to the next when we are home. Soon all the moms are looking and we're not finding him. These other moms have been playing ball for over 10 years and have had little kids get lost before but they said they usually find them in a couple of minutes. When they started to get scared, that made me even more worried. This hasn't happened before?
I thought about our little trip to the bathroom and how independent he is and how much I love him and I wondered if that was the last time I would see him. I wondered if this was the moment when my life would change forever. I know there are moms that never get to see their kids again. Was I going to be one of them? Was there anything I could do?
I've heard horror stories of predators targeting LDS churches because there are so many kids and moms are distracted. So, even though I was trying to stay calm, I was wondering if I should assume the worst. I went to the Family History Center and enlisted their help. By now, I'm crying but still trying to hold it together. Every time I go into the gym and no one has found him, I get a little sicker and sicker. One of the moms is getting in her car to drive around and see if he escaped. But I know that doesn't sound like Steel at all. So after 15 minutes or so I decide to call the police. Steel is so articulate and fearless it never crossed my mind that he would be in the building, hearing me call him and not respond. I figured he couldn't get out of a room he went in or he had been taken. Never once did I think he would be HIDING from me.
The operator at 911 was super calm. She really annoyed me with not showing any urgency. But her calmness made a corner of my mind think, okay, she's seen this before, she's not worried. He's probably still here. So I gave her my location and Steel's description and she said stay put and an officer would be there soon. Brown hoodie, blue jeans, crocs, short dark blonde hair, scar under his left eye. I walked to the other side of the building and he drove up. I didn't even have time to call Travis and tell him I lost our son before he showed up. I was still on the phone with him and he said he'd be there asap.
The police officer was very calm. He said there were more police on their way to help search and we could get the fire department to come help too. He said they would search the building first and then expand. So I asked them to please hurry. He asked the other moms to set up post at each of the outside doors so that we would know who was coming and going. I figured I may as well look some more. I had been praying this whole time. Trav said I was freaking out but he has not idea to what extent I can go. That was me being calm! So, I said one more prayer, this time I asked Heavenly Father that if Steel was still in the building that I would be able to find him before this turned into a circus.
So the first hallway I came to was the one that had the stairs that led onto the stage. I took a left and looked in the classroom at the base of the stairs and then I looked in the classroom at the top of the stairs. Then I started onto the stage and I looked to my right and I saw a fat, little hand sticking out from under the curtains. There was a brown cuff on the wrists. But another little boy had a brown hoodie on too. So I figured it was that little boy because he was on the stage the last time I saw him. But I ripped the curtain off the kid and it was Steel. The turkey. I fell on the ground and grabbed him and hugged him and bawled and bawled and bawled. It probably took me over 5 minutes to even be able to talk to the police officer.  I know he was standing there watching me. I had to call Trav. HELLOOOOO? That's what he said. I told him I found him and that he was hiding. He said did you spank him? No, I'm too busy loving on him. Oh, okay! I guess I'll go back to work.
I had to apologize to the police officer. But he said never to feel bad. That's what he's there for. And there would have been 15 others there in 3-5 minutes to help look.
So, I can be cynical about law enforcement because I think that most traffic tickets are silly and that's most of the public's association with them. But I was so glad to have this guy on my side and to be able to use their expertise and manpower if I had needed it. I thanked all the moms and apologized. They were so nice.
I never could get Steel to explain to me what he was thinking. Why he was hiding in the curtains when we were all looking for him? Why didn't he answer when we called him? I never once thought he was hiding from me. Not once! Other peoples kids do that, not mine. He did say once that he was playing hide and seek and I told him it only works if the other person knows you're hiding.
So, now we've talked (about 100 times) about what we do when someone says, Steel where are you? "I will say right here." And we've talked (about 100 times) about how we never hide from Mama. That Mama gets sick and hurt when she can't find her kids.
So that was my morning Friday. Then I had 15 minutes to go meet my client that I peer parent. I was still shaky and my eyes were still red but I think it went well. We talked about reflective listening. Life goes on.

Gluten Free Baked Meatballs

We didn't realize that most meatballs have gluten in them until my son had a reaction to Ikea's Swedish Meatballs. I never thought to look. What would be gluten in them? It's what they use to hold the meat together, usually bread crumbs. So here is the recipe we use when we want meatballs.

Baked Meatballs

(I adapted this recipe from Alton Brown's.)

3 lbs ground meat

10 oz chopped spinach (I love to use fresh but you can use frozen)

1 C grated parmesan (can you the powdered stuff)

2 eggs

1 T dried basil (more is fine)

1 T dried parsely

2 t garlic powder

2 t salt

1 t red pepper flakes

1 c gluten free bread crumbs (more on these at the end of this post) or you can use gluten free oats

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. In a large bowl add 3 pounds of meat, (I use sausage, it adds such a great flavor. I buy the nitrate free kind from the New York Style Sausage Company. I also used hamburger that I obtained (it's not stealing if they know about it, right?) from my parents' frozen locker. It's organic. I'm typically not a fan of red meat but I do make exceptions for these.) spinach, parmesan, eggs, basil, parsley, garlic powder, salt red pepper flakes and gluten free bread crumbs. 

Mix all these ingredients until well combined. I just use my hands. Kinda gross but if Rachel Ray does it, it's okay, right?

Shape into walnut sized balls and place meatballs in individual spaces of mini muffin pan (Mine are from Pampered Chef and I cannot rave enough about them). Bake for 20 minutes or until cooked through.

The photo above is of the cooked meatballs. We ate them with mashed sweet potatoes. It's a tasty, easy dinner. To make a healthy alternative, use ground turkey and/or chicken.

These are my homemade gluten free breadcrumbs. I use this recipe adapted from Carl Fenster. I love corn bread crumbs. They have such a great, sweet flavor.

Gluten Free Corn Bread Crumbs

2 1/2 C cornmeal (try to use organic because corn as a grain is mainly gmo)

2 c gf flours (any combination of 3)

2/3 c sugar

4 t baking powder

3 t xanthan gum

2 t salt

4 eggs

2 c milk (I use either coconut or almond)

2/3 c canola oil

Optional: 1 c canned or frozen corn

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In your mixer bowl mix the dry ingredients together. Then add the wet all at once. Mix on low until just combined. It's okay to have small lumps. Pour into greased 10 X 13 cake pan. Bake for 35 minutes or until all the way done. You need to use a utensil to poke the middle to make sure it comes out clean. This bread seems to take forever to cook.

Once this bread is done if you can resist eating it, slice it and spread it out on a cookie sheet. You can bake it again at a very low heat or leave it out for a day or two (this is what I do). Once the bread is crispy you can break it into pieces and then place it in a large Ziploc. With a rolling pin or a skillet you can take all your frustrations out on this poor bread. As you can see from the picture, mine isn't uniform or all very small because I'm impatient. Then I put my breadcrumbs in a previously used #10 can with a good lid. I've had mine for a while now, I would say close to a year. But we live in Utah where it's really dry. Can't say how long they'll last for others. You can leave them in the Ziploc and freeze them to be sure.